Sox Accepting Fan Conversion Applications from Yankee Nation

Boston Red Sox
Fan Club

Thank you for your interest in becoming a member of the Boston Red Sox
Fan Club. Due to an unprecedented volume of requests, we are currently
processing only fan conversion registrations for New York Yankee fans.

Conversion requests from other teams will be accepted once all Yankee
requests are processed. We expect this to take a number of weeks based
upon the current backlog of requests.

Please take a few moments to fill out the conversion form below to help us
get to know you better and prescribe any required counseling to recover
from your previous fan experience.

Name: _______________________________
Address:______________________________
Who’s Your Daddy: ____________________

1. Please select your favorite recent Yankee new player acquisition:
[ } Roger Clemens $20 million, six wins, one groin pull
[ ] Alex Rodriquez $92 million, no title, Ha!
[ ] Derek Jeter $123 million since last won World Series
[ ] Jason Giambi $91 million, no title, lots of roid sweat
[ ] Carl Pavano $27 million, five wins

2. Which of the following would you most like to see as the most played
YES Network “Great Moments in Yankee History” film clip in 2008:
[ ] Rivera’s “shocking” blown save in Game 4, 2004
[ ] Rivera’s “shocking” blown save in Game 5, 2004
[ ] The awesome wild card clincher celebration
[ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 1
[ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 2
[ ] Jeter’s first GIDP
[ ] Jeter’s second GIDP
[ ] Jeter’s third GIDP

3. Please indicate the last book you read:
[ ] Someday, in my lifetime, the Yankees will get to the LCS
[ ] Suicide Hotline – It’s not just for Cubs’ fans anymore
[ ] The Heimlich Maneuver — What to do when choking

4. Which recent Yankees personnel move did you enjoy most:
[ ] Not winning the posting for Matsuzaka
[ ] Winning the posting for Kei Igawa

5. Which following designation best describes Derek Jeter’s performance in
this year’s ALDS:
[ ] Captain Intangibles
[ ] Captain GIDP
[ ] Captain & Tenille

6. Please choose your favorite movie:
[ ] Anger Management
[ ] Hunt for Red October
[ ] Damned Yankees
[ ] Still We Believe

7. Finish this sentence: “Alex Rodriquez is
a. overrated
b. overpaid
c. overdue
d. overly prissy
e. over

8. Select the most vociferous, stupid, and annoying Yankee fan:
[ ] Washed up “comic” hack and Yanks personal ballwasher Billy Crystal
[ ] Front-running celebrity phony Jack Nicholson
[ ] Tim McCarver

9. Are you ready to admit that:
a. Ted Williams was better than Joe DiMaggio?
b. Carlton Fisk was better than Thurman Munson?
c. Even Manny Ramirez is faster than Bernie Williams?
d. Reggie Jackson was a better outfielder than Matsui?
e. Derek Jeter has less range than a kumquat?
f. No self-respecting parasite would invade Jason Giambi?

10. Please indicate your favorite moments in Yankee history: (Check all
that apply):
[ ] Alex Rodriquez is traded to the Yankees
[ ] Don Mattingly never wins a World Series
[ ] The Yankees let Clemens get away
[ ] The Yankees get Clemens back
[ ] Giambi’s steroid abuse causes his body to collapse like a screen door
in a hurricane.
[ ] The bugs eat Joba

11. Have you experienced any of the following after the embarrassing four
game collapse? (Check all that apply)
[ ] Headache
[ ] Uncontrolled Anger
[ ] Heartache
[ ] Holes punched in doors or walls
[ ] Nausea
[ ] Smashed TV screens
[ ] Depression and Broken Dreams
[ ] Avoided Red Sox fans for days or weeks

Once you have completed this form, please forward it to Fenway Park. Then
burn all your remaining Yankee clothing, memorabilia, and associated
reminders. After reviewing your request, the Red Sox Fan Club will contact
you with notification of acceptance or rejection.

I hereby acknowledge that the real “curse” is being a Yankee Fan.
I hereby renounce the New York Yankees for all eternity on this the ______
day of ________________, 200__