Confessions of a 90′s Hat Addict
By Cecilio's Scribe on Dec 25, 2007 with Comments 11
Just One of An Addict’s Painful RemindersMaybe you knew one too. They weren’t difficult to spot. The tell-tale signs were easily visible to even the most casual of observers. They were the ultimate gearhead. No matter where you saw them, their domes were adorned with some manner of licensed apparel from the NCAA or one of the major professional sports leagues. There was no rhyme or reason to the team logos they brandished. For them, the “dealers” weren’t tucked away on some street corner lurking in the shadows. No, their crack was in full view, temptingly nestled in between Mrs. Fields and Sam Goody on one of the friendliest “blocks” in the mall.
I was one of these people. I was a 90′s hat addict. I still am an addict. It’s a disease from which I will never truly distance myself. The truth is, I love hats. But, as I’ve aged and matured, I’ve learned to enjoy them responsibly. It also helps that today’s corporate enviroments do not allow one to rock a hot fitted on your average weekday. Yet, like so many before me, the road has not been easy. And a trip down memory lane often succeeds only in uncovering skeletons that should have never been released from the closet.
Like most addicts, there are many moments I’d like to forget. Moments at which my actions seemed so right…so cool…so “in the moment.” It is those same moments, in retrospect, that now are so clearly and blindingly, terribly, horribly wrong. As painful as these visuals are, facing them squarely in the eye can be invaluable. If we are able to burn these images into our conscience, not only might we avoid ever heading down such a slippery path to darkness, but reliving their collective ugliness can serve as a cautionary tale for a new generation of potentially at risk youth.
Let this be a lesson to you…
THE GATEWAY DRUGS
“The Blocker”
Description: Those who fell victim to the blocker assumed that what looks good on a grey t-shirt would look good on a hat. To assume makes an ass out of u and me.
“The Two-Toner”
Description: Though seemingly harmless, the two-toner was the first sign of a bad hat heading to more terrible places. So many of us took to the adage that two colors is better than one. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
THE DANGER ZONE
“The Pinstriper ”
Description: Pinstripes are a funny thing. They look good on suits and on a baseball team’s home white uniforms. They look awful on a hat. Notice the double-whammy on this one, pinstripes and two-tone. This is why we call this section the danger zone. It’s a sign of things to come, when hat decisions spun helplessly out of control. On a side note, I had a frightening amount of UNLV gear. Super-baggy shorts? Check. Bright red “crinkle” jacket with logo taking up entire back? Check. And, of course, pinstriped, two-tone hat?
“The Alternate”
Description: The alternate defies any logic whatsoever. Take colors as far away from the traditional hues of a franchise and put them on a hat. Bonus points for two-tone. The result? A dark tan and army green Tribe hat. WTF??!! This should’ve been one of those “recognition moments.” The maybe-I-have-a-problem pause. Unfortunately, it was not.
“The Non-Logo”
Description: Like “The Alternate,” the no-logo was an indication that full-blown addiction had hampered judgment beyond repair. These purchases reflected very little if any resemblance to the team they were supposedly representing. Case in point above. This is the type of hat someone “designed” in their basement…and I bought it. Unreal.
COCKTAILS
As many know now, some of the most potent abuse can occur when dangerous elements are combined resulting in a product that is more damaging than its individual parts. Below are just a few examples. This typified the low point for many a 90′s hat addict…
Pinstripes. Two-tone. The incongruent use of black. An ugly combination.
Luckily, these relics serve as a constant reminder to how a love of hats can go horribly wrong. Today, the key is keeping it simple. One color. Simple logos. Nothing on the sides or back. Traditional colors. At times, the temptation comes again, but one need only take a trip through the gallery of our wilder years to hold back.
Filed Under: OUT OF BOUNDS
What, do you get a free bowl a soup when you buy this hat? It looks great on you, though
Worst hat I’ve ever owned:
http://www.fivebuckstofriday.com/museum/catalog/hat.jpg
God, the 90s were brutal.
jeremiah – fantastic example. captures so much of what the decade was about.
I got a trunk full of bad 90′s hats. I literally have hundreds of them, suprsingly, most with the tags still on them. I’d buy them, and just put them up.. why? I couldn’t tell you. I’d guess that 30% of my 90′s hats are of the Oakland A’s… And I don’t even like the A’s. Not even a little. Sometimes I wonder what happened during this era, it makes no sense. I’ll see you at the HA meeting on Wednesday.
no mention of the buzzsawed Logo Athletic hats? I had a Jaguars one with a bright teal buzzsaw that I wore proudly through the streets of Cleveland Ohio. Why the Jags? no idea.
the era was screwed up. I had hats from teams I couldn’t name one player from. I had hats of my sworn enemy (michigan). It was just craziness.
So how many times in high school did a teacher tell you to remove your hat? Since the hat thing was a “cool” trend among teenagers, I was immune to it, having been as uncool as possible. That and who wanted to be committed to “hat head” after the a-hole history teacher confiscates your hat and says you can’t get it back before the end of the day!
Worst I had was a Miami Hurricanes pinwheel hat. But damnit, it was a starter.
Each Segment alternated between orange and green.
Though, I also have the NFL 07 players hat, which in itself is an abomination.
Can’t believe there’s not one photo of the drawstring caps of the early 90′s. Those were sad hats. I bought a Steelers hat based on Gary Anderson’s heroics vs. the Oilers. Now … I hate the Steelers.
do you know where you could buy hats like this. They dont sell them at lids anymore
i would buy any hats anybody on this blog would be willing to sell i would be buying in bulk
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