Ultimate Skins Game: Tiger vs. Shooter vs. Happy vs. Ty Webb

Shooter choked against Happy, but could he give Tiger a run?

After Tiger’s destruction of Stewart Cink in the World Golf Championship-Accenture Match Play Championship (great tournament name, who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?), my roommate quipped, “8 straight victories, anyone with a sports blog that’s worth a damn out to write about Tiger’s dominance.” I’m not sure, but I think the inference there is that I’m not worth a damn. Well, Big Country (and for the record, Tiger has won 4 straight PGA tournaments +1 European Tour event at Dubai, and 7 of the last 8 events he’s entered, not 8 straight victories), you’re a son of a bitch but you’re right, watching Tiger is watching history and he deserves some love from The Legend. Not SI-style love, but we’ll do what we can.

Tiger’s only problem? He’s just too mother flipping good. There is very little entertainment value watching him lap the competition all the time. Since he was sent from planet Golf-tron to rule the Earth’s golf courses, it’s unlikely that anybody will ever be able to make things interesting against him. It seems that Tiger has reached his entertainment value peak.

But what if he was in a high stakes Skins Game against Happy Gilmore, Shooter McGavin, and Ty Webb? That’s a foursome that would blow up the Neilson ratings. We’d imagine that the tone would be set at the driving range:

Tiger is ripping range balls, trying to maintain his legendary focus while Ty Webb is urinating on Tiger’s golf bag. Happy is bonging beers and crushing beer cans on his head with a few white trash groupies. Shooter is sneering at Happy and co., while trying to size up Tiger and avoid Ty’s splashback.
Ty: I’ve always liked you, Betty.
Tiger (trying to play it cool): Ty, it’s Tiger, you used that line like 30 years ago.
Ty: Do you do drugs Tiger?
Tiger: Listen asshole, just because a lot of golf courses have added ridiculous length to “Tiger-proof” them because I hit the ball so far, does not mean I’m juicing. I’ve never even..
Ty: Then what’s your problem then? I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes…
Happy: Hey everybody, look at that dude’s snake! Golfing with that thing could really draw a crowd.
Shooter: You know what *else* could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.
Ty: Na-na-na-na-na-naaaa
Shooter (leans in to Tiger): Kind of tough to play some Golf with all this riffraff around, huh? Hey but you know, Happy Gilmore, he spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff. Speaking of Hasselhoff, boy could I tell you some stories. This one night, me, the Hoff and Hoff’s daughter…
Tiger (drops Shooter with a devastating right cross and then turns and glares at Ty and Happy.): Don’t make me wrap this 5 iron around your neck, I’m WARMING UP.

Happy sees Shooter bleeding out of his face and proceeds to bong a beer, and start doing the bull dance, obviously feeling the flow as Ty Webb nods in approval. Happy proclaims himself ready to play and rides the bull off to find the nearest game room. The rest of the range session ends without much more drama.

I’m ready to watch 18 holes with these guys, is anybody else? Despite the test to his intensity and focus, I think Tiger still comes out on top of this Skins game. But you know that Shooter is hungry, and this is Shooter’s Tour baby, Shoot-err.