Thanks to Modern Media, Spring Training a Whole New Unbeliveably-Filled-with-Useless-Details Experience

Spring training is a time for hyperbole. I get it. In a sense, I welcome it. Tell me how many balls so-and-so crushed in batting practice. Talk to me about the bite on our journeyman reliever’s sinker. That’s all fine and good. I need it. We all do. It gives us hope. However, our beloved beat reporters, team bloggers and other digital denizens of the modern era are now regularly “reporting” and sharing their “content” on things that are completely nonsensical. Technology has given them those tools. Unfortunately, we cannot take them back.

I will choose not to single out any reporters, bloggers or the teams they follow. This is simple, because the respective hordes covering every team in baseball are all guilty of the same tech-fueled transgressions. I shall group said violations in themes. Holler in the comments if you’ve been privvy to such revelations from your trusted team sources.

1. Arrivals: We now cover these things like the presidential motorcade on inauguration day. Big megastar arrived at camp today! Cue TwitPics and live streaming video – of a guy in street clothes literally walking into a clubhouse. No words. No interview. Maybe a wave. This is captured in painstakingly boring detail by almost everyone in real time. Aren’t players kind of expected to show up at camp?

2. Conversations: This category is clearly a byproduct of our one-touch publishing world. Previously, reporters might touch on conversations in the realm of closed-door team meetings in the heart of the season. Today, we get updates on the fact that the pitching coach was talking to one of his pitchers. Or [insert big-time veteran] was chatting it up with [insert hotshot prospect]. Again, as if this was somehow breaking need-to-have news for even the most fanatical of fans. News flash…players talk to players all the time. It’s totally natural!

3. Physical Conditioning: Don’t know the direct correlation between this phenomenon and modern media. Maybe it’s more about access than technology. Perhaps it’s a combination of the two. Regardless, it seems every reporter down at spring training is now an accredited physician or licensed personal trainer. Reports on players’ respective physical shape are a dime a dozen. So-and-so looked lean and mean…slugger x appears to have bulked up and will be looking to apply that power…pitcher y came in slightly overweight. Don’t get me wrong, I care. Sort of. If a player looks lean and hence seems to be running better, showing more range, quicker out of the box…then, color me mildly intrigued. You want to post a video example? Go right ahead, I might even watch. You’d prefer to tweet that someone looks like their traps went through an offseason makeover? Save your precious characters.

4. Bullpen Sessions: Here’s where it starts getting a little tough. Yes, in spring training bullpen sessions are telling. At this point, they could be all reporters (not to mention coaches and fellow players) have to go on in terms of where their hurlers stand. I’m OK with that. Report on your observations, share your expertise regarding what those observations might imply. But, really, do you need to post the nine-minute video of the dude battling for our long relief mop-up role? The relationship between a soon-to-be Triple A pitcher and his third-string bullpen catcher is undoubtedly special, but I’d rather watch paint dry. Add a batter…maybe even a swinging one…now, we’re potentially onto something.

5. Facial Expressions/Emotional Health: This goes along with number three. Yet, it’s even more ridiculous. The number of tweets speaking to players’ emotional well-being is comical. “Player A appears so much more comfortable around his teammates…his gait suggests a whole new level of confidence,” says blogger from their position behind a fence. “Formerly disgruntled star was all smiles as he strode into camp…” Spare. Me. Quote a coach talking about a player. Or better still, share an interview in which said player speaking about how he is feeling. Otherwise, cut the psycho babble and leave it to the professionals. And I don’t mean pro sports bloggers.

l know these five are only the tip of the iceberg. Who’s got some more disastrous results of up-to-the-minute tech-enabled spring training reporting? Hit me up in the comments.