The Legend of Cecilio Guante
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Dear A-Hole, OKGO Treadmill Guy/Gal…

Hey, Buddy. You’re Not One of These Guys.

I don’t know about you all but, unfortunately, my personal “sports activity” these days is pretty much confined to hitting the local gym. I don’t like it, but I’ve got to do it from time to time. When I go, my ultimate goal is quite simple – workout and get out, with as little annoyance and distraction as possible. Therefore, I am greatly bothered by those who bother me and stand in the way of my rather pedestrian goal. Recently, I have identified one particular individual who consistently stands in the way of this humble objective and pisses me off to no end. I call him the OKGO treadmill guy, perhaps you know someone like him too…

Dear OKGO Treadmill Guy:

I hope training for the 2012 Olympics is going well. It’s my assumption you are an Olympian or an aspiring one, because you take your treadmill work extremely seriously. You might be curious how I’ve noticed. My question would be how could one not.

I’ve observed that you tend to jump on and off the treadmill, do spins and perform other “quick feet” exercises and maneuvers that include leaping laterally across said treadmill and onto the sideboards of the machine. You run and walk backwards, high-step and bounce around like a third-grader who forgot his Ritalin prescription and chugged down a 64-oz Red Bull-Pixy Stix cocktail. This goes on non-stop for very long periods of time.

Wait, what’s that? You’re not training for a professional athletic event? Hmmm…so, you’re just some “average” d-bag trying to draw more attention to yourself? Well, might I suggest a few things then.

Here’s an f-in idea. Run. That’s what treadmills were made for. Run forwards. Run backwards. I don’t really give a rat’s ass. Just run. Interestingly, the definition of a treadmill is “an exercise device consisting of a continuous moving belt on which a person can walk or jog while remaining in one place.” So Mr. OKGO Treadmill Guy, let’s break this one down for a second shall we?

Walk or jog. Nowhere does it mention skipping, hopping, jumping or rhythmically bounding on and off the back of the device. The phrase “in one place” sort of drives home the point. Nope, the ole treadmill was designed for running or walking in place. Why do I care you ask? Because I am running on the treadmill next to you.

Yes, that’s me over there, calmly trying to listen to music and will my way through the monotony in the hopes my love handles will slowly disappear over time. However, I’m having trouble concentrating because some hopped-up freak is jumping all over the treadmill like Tom Hanks on the big piano at FAO Schwartz. Every time you leap off the back, I feel like I’m sliding off. Each time you bound onto the non-moving side portion of the apparatus, I feel like someone’s about to attack me from my blindside.

Bottom line: you are annoying as all hell. You want to jump around, get a rope and jump over it like the rest of civilization. Care to work on lateral quickness? There are devices made just for that. Do you see folks on the stationary bikes doing piero-freakin-ettes? Ever notice your fellow gym members hopping on one leg on the ellipctical? Not so much, right? Because that’s not what those machines are made to do.

So, Mr. OKGO Treadmill jackass, if you could run for awhile it would be greatly appreciated. I speak on behalf of myself and other gymgoers who may also suffer the hands of you and your kinsmen/women trained in the school of treadmill calisthenics.

Next time I see you jumping across the machine don’t be surprised if a wayward elbow finds its way over the sidebar. Until then, at least consider leaving the treadmill choreography to the pros in a controlled studio environment. Tool.

Joe Normal Gym Person

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  1. Patrick Smith

    June 11, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    last time I was at my gym, a guy was using 2 treadmills at the same time. Total nutsack of a guy – whiteguy dreadlocks with some kind hairband, shorts over long stretchy pants – you get it.

    He was sprinting like a fookin rabbit on one treadmill. Then he'd grab the rails, lift himself up and hop to the treadmill to his right, which was much slower. And he'd do those little dance things you're talking about on the slow treadmill, with the fast one still moving.

    His girlfriend, who'd been yoga-ing or something, approaches and doesn't notice the fast treadmill is still running. I saw the whole thing coming. She took one step onto the treadmill and became a fookin' blur. Slammed to the mat and shot backward like a cannonball. And her nutsack boyfriend didn't even jump off the treadmill.

  2. Cecilio's Scribe

    June 11, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    that's a phenomenal story, thanks for sharing. if only the dude had been the one to careen off towards injury

  3. Anonymous

    June 12, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Remember the case in NYC last year that received lots of publicity when the treadmill guy kept making extremely loud noises and grunts while running, and another gym member basically attacked him? Went to court and the attacker, I think, got off.

    What sane person wasn't thinking that he not only should have gotten off but should have been allowed to employ the grunter as his personal slave for maybe 6 months or so?

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