The Legend of Cecilio Guante
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Dear Pirates: We’d Like Some of Your Players Too…

Freddy Sanchez, Come on Down!

Dear Pirates:

Hope all is going well with you. Our sincere apologies on what seems destined to be your 16th straight sub-.500 season. It really is a shame, particularly for your fans and given your gorgeous facility. PNC is by far the best ballpark I’ve had the pleasure to visit. However, this is not about your past failures nor your breathtaking home field. Rather, I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve recently unloaded a few of your starters and there are rumors that others are potentially on the block.

With this in mind, and as a fan of the New York Metropolitans, I was hoping you might be able to send Freddy Sanchez our way. Moreso than perhaps any of your previous trade partners, the Mets have a veritable plethora of barely-Major League- ready players to share with you. In fact, none of our current “prospects” has shown that they can perform at the big league level, and we have a long and storied track record of flops and busts.

In other words, You do not have to worry that these individuals will blossom into professional stars whom you will later need to consider for big long-term (and expensive!) contracts. No, our Mets system-bred folks are perfect for your franchise. They are young, unproven and marginal Major Leaguers at best. Worst case, on the rare occasion that any of them turns out to be anything other than average, you can always sell ’em for a downgrade!

Please let us know if you’d be open to receiving some of our mediocre mid-level talent. We would also be willing to toss in a veteran second baseman of severely diminished skills along with his terrible contract. He should offer your young core a steadying leadership presence and a number of awful slappy-slap bloop singles.

I mean, seriously, what do you have to lose? Your season is ostensibly over. Our 2009 campaign is dead as well. You want to unload young talent in exchange for younger, less proven farmhands. We’ve got younger, less-proven farmhands. It just makes sense. I eagerly await your reply.

Desperate Mets Fan

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  1. P-Cat

    July 23, 2009 at 9:05 am

    LOL. Poor Pirates fans. They keep insisting on rebuilding, but when do they ever "keep" the players they build. Jason Bay? Nyjer Morgan? Nate McLouth? Jason Kendell? Kris Benson? Oliver Perez? They are becoming the old Montreal Expos, who have to fire sale all their young good players because they can't keep them.

  2. Dan

    July 23, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    Dear Desperate Mets Fan,
    As a Fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates I appreciate your kind comments about our fine stadium…..

  3. Cecilio's Scribe

    July 23, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    good stuff, Dan.

  4. The Pirate Bay

    April 14, 2014 at 1:31 am

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