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Harper Gruzins should stick to songs not called the Star Spangled Banner


I had this post drafted. Then trashed. Then drafted again. And I finally decided to post it. Why? Simple. Nothing to do with young Harper Gruzins’s singing ability (which, admittedly, may leave something to be desired but she’s 11 for goodness sake). No, this is not about pitch or tonality or inflection or any such things. None of that contributes to what annoys me about this performance. There’s only one thing. My buddies who have attended sporting events of all kinds with me know there’s only one “event” that happens before the opening tip, puck drop, kickoff, that can truly piss me off. AND IT’S SOMEONE DECIDING THEY ARE GOING TO RE-WRITE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM! Usually, this disgust manifests itself in the very same way. Me, a mild-mannered gentlemen the majority of the time, being motivated to yell out in the stadium or arena: SING THE F-IN SONG!! (while shaking my head and channeling Ferris Bueller’s day off as I mumble something about “weeping for this generation)

Ms. Gruzins latest performance is just another example of this disturbing trend. Damn your “artistic interpretations,” sing the Star Spangled Banner for the love of country! I barely got through the first 10 seconds of the below clip before my ire was raised. Again, forget the fact that the rest of the three minutes of pain follow. If she was EVEN TRYING TO SING THE SONG, it would have been a different story — of this I have no doubt.

Anyway, here’s the performance of the song-formerly-known-as-the-Star-Spangled-Banner. See if you can recognize any of it. Oh yes, and for the folks already clamoring about how vicious and cruel the Interwebs can be, I tend to agree with the penners of the Deadspin post who said the following:

Normally, we wouldn’t post something that made fun of a little kid, but this particular child publicly refers to herself as a “singer-songwriter” and any kid who has that much pretension at age 11 deserves to be knocked down a few notches. (Seriously, look at her fu**ing website.)

That, of course, is not her fault. It’s moreso that of the parents that are likely footing the bill for her photo shoots and appearances at Pizza Hut and all. You wanna be a famous singer/songwriter, you have to take the good with the bad in terms of criticism, right? OK, so maybe we’re all being harsh. Chase your dreams, right? Go for it! Is learning the National Anthem too much to ask, though?

OK, good to know I’m never going to have to listen to those three minutes again.

P.S. In the end, Harper and her parents will get exactly what is seems they so desperately crave from this…TONS of publicity.

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