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Derek Zoolander

Derek Zoolander knows how Erie's Scribe feels

I don’t know if it is the Mayan Apocalypse, or if the constant losing and disappointment of my favorite sports teams is taking a toll, or if I’m starting to listen to people more often, or if I’m becoming sensitive (shudder), or what, but it seems like cheap potshots from the peanut gallery, directed at the beloved Browns, Indians, and Cavs are piling up at an alarming rate these days. Not too mention a noticeable extra sneer and disdain for the no-impact sports teams of the institutions of higher learning I’ve attended (Tulane, Cornell, and Akron). Media windbags, draft analysts,  (who coincidentally moonlight as media windbags), my shit talking friends, random chicks, everybody is piling on. For example, I (like any Browns fan worth a salt) watched an hour or so  of Trent Richardson highlights the other day. I posted to my Facebook how impressed I was with what appears to be an extreme degree of difficulty tackling that Beast-man. Pretty innocuous stuff. Next thing I know, the Browns and Cleveland sports in general are getting beaten like a red headed stepchild on my Facebook page, too fast and too furious for me to even keep up with. Out of the damn blue.

What the hell? Enough! Let me tell you pud-wackers a few things. And pud-wacking assclowns in general, really. In no particular order (although I will say that any persons or group of persons mentioned below has probably pissed me off intentionally with barbs or unintentionally because you are fudge-ing morons in the past 2 weeks)….

@ Redskins fan — Your team is mediocrity personified. You just mortgaged your future for RGIII, but who cares about not having a first round pick until 2015? It’s not like high draft picks have been made more valuable by the NFL since the new rookie pay scale eliminates the risk of paying a hack a superstar salary before he’s played a down in the NFL. While RGIII is pretty awesome, you still have no offensive line, you overpaid for a WR who has a penchant for dropping the ball and whose stats may have been padded by having some Peyton Manning fellow throwing the rock to him his entire career, meanwhile your best receiver is a 32 year old 5′-2″ man, your head coach went terrible and started acting all crazy a few years ago (he’s compiled a 26-38 record since 2007 and made infinity head scratching decisions),  your defense has some pieces but will be repeatedly ruined by your all out blitz happy defensive coordinator, and as the ultimate topper….your owner is Daniel Snyder.

@ Baseball Tonight — I guess I can’t blame you for being preempted by SEC softball last night, that’s just your arrogant network’s fault. I do blame you for your recap of the Indians/Red Sox clash, though. After the Tribe’s 8-3 thrashing of the BoSox, your highlight package failed to mention, inter alia, the ageless Derek Lowe improving to 5-1 with a sparkling 2.47 ERA, or Micheal Brantley delivering a 4 hit night, or how the Tribe sits atop the AL Central, 2 games over the free spending, underachieving Tigers. All you clowns talked about was Josh Beckett sucking, Josh Beckett golfing, Josh Beckett’s presser after the game, and the Red Sox sucking. Even as the damn highlights were running you didn’t mention who was hitting the home runs that took the HOV lanes straight out of Fenway (that would be Action Jack Hannahan and Jason Kipnis).

@ Eagles Fan — I’d laugh at you, but you are the sort of joke that might appear in a colossal comedy failure like The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

@ NFL Draft Analysts — Can’t tell if you put the word Ass or the word Clown in assclown.  Let’s take as a for instance, the Browns draft. The Browns turned the number 4, 22, and 37 picks of this year’s draft into the best RB prospect in 5 years, a rocket armed starting QB, and a starting RT. They merely plugged 3 Mack Truck sized holes in their anemic offense. They gave up 3 crappy picks to move up and take Mr. Richardson, but you rarely mentioned the fact they had 13 picks to work with and still walked away from the draft with 11 players. You ignore the fact that as much as a crap shoot as the early rounds are, the crap shootedness of the draft jumps exponentially by round 3. So if you get a 3rd round DT who can immediately plug into a young, impressive, and overworked rotation, and WR in round 4 who has one elite talent (being fast as shit, which is great for an offense that is slow as molasses in January) that ain’t so bad. Mix in some other later round picks like a linebacker or two who will immediately be pressed into service due to Scott Fajita’s Bounty suspension, depth on the OL, an H-back who might have to fill in for the twice concussed starting FB, and a DT and a CB in Round 7 who you “experts” thought could go in Round 2 or 3, and it seems like a pretty successful draft to me. However, the draft analysts’ reports on the Browns draft were tepid at best. Go figure.

South Carolina hat

@ South Carolina Gamecocks Fan — You might win your first conference championship since 1969, if you move back to the ACC or even better yet, the Sun Belt Conference.

People Riled By Cole Hamels — The dude plunks a 19 year old super hyped, cocky-ass rookie in the buttocks to knock the kid down a few pegs. So what? He threw at the dude’s butt, signaling zero intent to injure. Then Hamels has the gall to say he did it on purpose. What would you rather have him do, lie to our face about how the pitch slipped out of his hand? When it was patently obvious the he jacked the kid up on purpose? Go play in traffic.

@ Texas A&M Aggies — You sport a career 52.8% winning percentage in the Big 12. You’ve been hovering between mediocrity and irrelevance since 1994. Now you are jumping to The dominant college football conference. If you can compete at the same level you did in the Big 12, facing a more difficult schedule, you will be right below Ole Miss, and right above South Carolina, Kentucky and Vandy. Also, your move destroyed an awesomely fierce rivalry (albeit one-sided for the other guys) with Texas that dated back to 1894. So, great job Aggie.

@ The Guy Who Wrote This Article: Come’on man. My Zips are perpetually down on their luck in football. Even though they’ve produced NFL legends Jason Taylor and Charlie Frye, they suck. As bad as they usually are, they’ve managed to get even worse over the past two seasons, going 2-22. Do we really need to go cover that? Don’t most people just accept that Akron blows at football, if they even know the Akron plays football? How are you going to stomp out my insane delusions that with Terry Bowden taking the reigns and Jim Tressel lurking somewhere in the wings as the Vice President of Strategic Engagement, things might actually turn around? And for Pete’s sake, how do you write an article chronicling the ugliness that is Akron zips football without mentioning the fact that Akron is a D-I soccer powerhouse? Mr. Grantland Writer man, I think Sergeant Hartman sums up my feelings best. “I bet you’re the kind of guy that would f*** a person in the ass and not even have the godd**** common courtesy to give him a reach-around.”



  1. The Chairman

    May 11, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Dear Scribe,
    Even if I accept your premise that Texas A&M will get smoked in the SEC, it’s still better than playing in the hodge-podge, dysfunctional, bottom-feeding conference that may, or may not still be called the Big 12. Of course, however, I don’t accept your premise. The Aggies won’t be the Baylor of the Big 12. As an aside, I can’t wait to watch how the meth-headed hillbillies from West Virginia are received by Austin’s arrogant, tea-sipping, Wal-mart t-shirt fans.

    The Chairman

  2. Erie's Scribe

    May 11, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Well played chairman. Aggie making the list is most definitely a by-product of our mutual acquiantence’s daily barrage of Aggie-hate mail.

  3. Booyah

    May 11, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Ummm…you may want to pay a bit more attention to South Carolina and what they’re up to lately before you make yourself look silly, oh Wise One. Carolina had the #4 ranked defense in college football last season, finished 11-2 and smoked Nebraska in the bowl game. Year before that? 10-3, SEC East Champs. For 2012? Top running back in CFB and Heisman contender Marcus Lattimore. Absolute freak DE Jadaveon Clowney. Preseason Top 10. Racking up 2013 4-star recruits at breakneck speed. Putting them in the same category as Kentucky is embarrasing. Saying they’re worse than 2-10 Ole Miss is downright knuckleheaded. C’mon man!

    Oh yeah, since you’ve included baseball in this post, South Carolina is back to back National Champs, currently ranked third and the hottest team in college baseball. Just sayin…

  4. Erie's Scribe

    May 11, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    If the Gamecocks and the Ole Ball Coach go on to become SEC champions this year, more power to them. Although I doubt I need them to make myself look silly.

    A couple of things, though. SEC East champs in 2010 still doesn’t = SEC champs. Only 2 teams in the SEC East were above .500 in 2010, and South Carolina got blown out in the SEC Championship 56-17, and followed that up by losing to Florida State in the tradition soaked Chick-fil-A Bowl game. The Orange Bowl it is not. My SEC friends are sure that South Carolina will always lose 2 or 3 games they shouldn’t, even when they are “good”. I don’t think they are worse than Ole Miss right now. I probably should have clarified that I was just looking at each team’s overall win percentage in the SEC in that section of the post. Ole Miss =55.91%, South Carolina = 50.53%, Kentucky = 50.25%, Vandy = 49.66%. I thought it was clear since I mentioned it while talking about A&M’s Big 12 win percentage, and I usually don’t clarify the obvious. You might notice that South Carolina is closer to Kentucky’s 50.25% than Ole Miss at 55.91%. So, you know, that means that historically they win barely more games than they lose in the SEC. Considering the context which you didn’t understand it was neither embarrassing nor knuckleheaded. You might actually call it apropos

    And last year, the highest ranked opponent South Carolina beat was 10-4 Georgia who ended up 19th in the AP poll. They did roll up some numbers in their non-conference cupcake schedule against the likes of The Citadel, Navy, and East Carolina. The only respectable non-conference game was against Clemson who is always on the schedule as a rivalry game, not because the football team scheduled anyone worth a damn out of conference. And they managed to duck Alabama and LSU last year.

    I totally forgot to mention that their 1969 ACC championship is the only Conference title they’ve only won. Also forgot to mention they are 5-12 all time in bowl games. Of their 17 bowl games, zero are BCS bowl games. They seem to do great against FCS schools and Conference USA though.

    Congrats to them on rocking out the college baseball world. I like college baseball, but like college lacrosse and hockey (in which my alma mater, Cornell, excels), and college soccer (in which Akron excels), nobody really gives a crap.

  5. your mum

    September 20, 2012 at 6:11 am

    i had sexual intercourse with your mother!!!

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